Five Day Tarot Meditation – Day Five – Seven of Clouds – Politics

Once again, life intervened. Many meetings, a wonked out neck that needed immediate attention and a day in bed with a heating pad, crazy schedules, all conspired against me getting this five-day meditation done in five days. No matter. The extra time just gave me more opportunities to contemplate the meanings and how they relate to what’s going on with me at this moment. Let’s do this!

Anyone who knows me at all knows that politics is one of my least favorite subjects. I don’t like the politics of government, I don’t like office politics, I don’t like the politics that always seems to crop up within any kind of group for any reason. I don’t know what it is about human nature that turns people into horrible, nasty, manipulative folks when it comes to politics, but that’s what seems to happen, and that’s why I do my best to steer clear.

Except when this card comes up in a reading. Dammit.  In a traditional deck, this would be the seven of Swords, the suit that represents the mind, mental action, etc. In Zen, of course, the mind, while not exactly the enemy, is definitely the voice in the head that meditation and practice is trying to still. To make the mind a servant of the person and not vice versa.

The card shows a person with two faces, one sweet and innocent, the other smarmy and ugly. Neither of these faces is real; both are masks. The message of this card is to tell us that by its very nature, the mind is political. It plans and schemes and tries to manipulate situations and people to try to get what it wants.

The tough part of this card is that when it pops up, it’s a big message that I need to look at myself. I need to really assess how I behave in my life. Do I scheme to make things work out to my advantage? Now, there is nothing wrong with making plans, having goals, trying to achieve desired outcomes. But, when accomplishing that means bringing out the false face, hiding real feelings and showing people only what they want to see, that’s when we fall into the politics game.

It’s impossible to please everyone. How many times do we hear politicians promise everyone everything? All the time. How many of their constituents end up satisfied? Usually none of them. This card makes me look at my actions and my underlying motivations. It makes me analyze why I’m doing some of the things I do. I have to ask the tough questions:

Who am I deceiving? Or am I?

How am I maneuvering the outcome?

What is confusing me?

What can I do to drop my defenses and become more open?

What are the weaknesses in my plan, research or work?

This card exhorts me to be honest, to show my real face. This is not easy for anyone, especially in a situation where I stand to lose a lot. And, let’s be honest, if G and I really end up going our separate ways, I stand to lose more than she does, at least on the nuts and bolts financial end of things. But, on the other hand, I HAVE to go forward honestly, being open, to allow myself to feel comfortable saying that yes, I do want this relationship to survive, but I’m not sure if it can the way things are now. And that means big (or maybe not so big) changes on both sides. It’s not all her fault, it’s not all my fault and a lot of it is no one’s “fault” it’s just time, and age, and change and growth that happens to people, not always in the same direction. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing that has happened is “wrong.” They are just things that have happened. No one planned or plotted any of this. Time passes and people and situations change. Sometimes they change together and sometimes they change apart.

What I have to keep remembering is that as long as I am honest inwardly and outwardly, if I can keep the masks off, however this situation works out, it will be for the best, and wherever I end up, I will have no regrets. I don’t think you can ask for much more than that.

Five Day Tarot Meditation – Day Four – VII – Awareness (The Chariot)

Let’s just chalk yesterday up to the madness that is sleep deprivation, shall we? No need to elaborate on it, other than to say it ended much better than it began because of the brilliance that is “The Imitation Game.” Thank you, Benedict Cumberbatch and everyone connected with the entire film.

The card above shows a clear figure emerging through a shadowed veil, the veil being burnt away by the cool flame of awareness. The veil represents “maya” in Sanskrit or illusion. This veil of illusion is what keeps us from seeing things clearly…or as Anais Nin so brilliantly said, “We do not see things as they are; we see things as WE are.”

This card speaks to a growing internal awareness, an awareness that is slowly, coolly burning away any veils of illusion. The other message is that this isn’t a big struggle that I have to go through. The lesson is to settle, to allow, to let go. I have to remember to be a witness in my life, that sometimes stepping back and watching is what’s needed, not the rushing in and trying to force things to happen. I need to be aware of things as they are, of how I AM and not how I might want things, or myself, to be. In the end, by settling into awareness, and not illusion, I will be able to find the best path for myself through this labyrinthine minefield of emotions and circumstances that I have found myself in for the past year and a half. Any tool that will help me do that without deadly explosions is most welcome.

Additionally, in traditional decks, this card is called The Chariot, a very complex card, full of contradictions. It speaks to self-control and a strong sense of direction, but also deep division between things like work and feelings, which is often a place I find myself in. I find it easy (too easy?) to completely detach from emotion when I’m really stressed out. Or, I give in and find myself wanting to scream and break things, neither of which really helps the situation.

But, like the driver of a chariot, I have to be able to harness those contradictions, to work with conflicting emotions or the desire to shut off and push everyone away. Having grown up mostly alone, moving from place to place, without much control over my environment, that place of shutting out the feelings and just carrying on is very comfortable. Again, I have to learn how to stay cool, to be aware of what’s going on in my emotional body, to see the habits that start to take over at times of stress and even thought I don’t have to force a huge sudden change on myself, just being able to step back and look at things objectively, would be a good tool.

Taking the time to meditate each day has been helping a lot, and even though it’s no guarantee that I won’t have days like yesterday, perhaps I can remember to be aware enough to not let the bad days overwhelm me as much.

Five Day Tarot Meditation – Day Three – Nine of Water – Laziness

What is lazy? Lounging around the house on the 4th day of a 4-day work week, trying to get prepared for the last overnight shift (what I’m doing today)? Not picking up that food wrapper that fell on the floor when I was cooking dinner last night? Not paying attention to messages and clues that things are not as smooth in a relationship as they have been? How do you define “lazy”?

I normally get my back up a little bit when I see this card in a reading. I’m not lazy, I think defensively, I just move at my own pace. But when I saw it here, and when I slowed down and read the meaning once and then again, I thought, yes, that makes sense. Meditating on it a bit longer, I realized that for me, in this case, “laziness” equals “complacent.”

The message of the card is that the man in the picture thinks that he has arrived. He’s made it. The pool, the lounge chair, the drink with the umbrella. There you go. Done. I have been doing that in my life. Met G, bought a house, did stuff to the house, did things I’ve wanted to do, done some traveling, got a better job, sweet life. Yes, done.

But, no. All of those things are great. Yes. But, what I’m rapidly learning is that as human beings, we are never done. Even when we croak we’re not done, and if we’re not done in the nonphysical, how can we ever be done in the physical? There’s always something more. That was/is my problem. I stopped thinking about “more.” Not in the sense of more things or more money or even anything tangible, but more in the sense of more exploration, more things to be interested in, more excitement, more stimulation, more learning, more becoming.

I had given up my stimulation. I didn’t even realize it. I had stopped doing so many things that challenged me and gave me pleasure. And I had stopped moving beyond those things to find other things I might enjoy  just as much, simply to add them to my repertoire. I had become lazy and complacent.

The card says that the poolside resort is not the final destination. “Making it” doesn’t mean giving up and stopping. Perhaps I became complacent because, yes, I had honestly achieved some things. Nothing wrong with that. But resting on laurels becomes uncomfortable pretty quickly. There’s still a lot of space out there to explore. I have to get out there and pay attention, or, like the shiny mirrors in the picture above, my foundation is going to crack and then I won’t feel so comfortable and complacent.

As is often true, Abraham says it best: “You can’t get it wrong and you never get it done.”  I need to quit being afraid of making a misstep and just get myself back out there on the road. I can go at my own pace. I don’t have to let others tell me what I like or what I should be interested in. But I need to keep going, that’s for sure.

Just remember–Can’t get it wrong. So, what am I waiting for?

Five Day Tarot Meditation – Day Two – Five of Water – Clinging to the Past

When I turned over this card, I knew I was going to get more than I bargained for out of this reading. For the past several years, I have been wrestling with various issues from my past. Guilt, regret, wishful thinking, sometimes nearly overpowering nostalgia have weighed me down, and I don’t even buy into those things…or so I tell myself. I have been stuck thinking about certain crossroads in my life where I went left and have been beating myself up over not going right. Well, I didn’t go right and now here I am. Right now. Right here. In this moment. Whatever happened in the past to bring me here is now irrelevant. I’m not H. G. Wells or Albert Einstein. There’s no way to change the past. I can only change myself, right now, in this present moment.

That’s not to say that my past hasn’t given me wonderful gifts. Of course it has. Dear friends who are still with me, great memories of family, experiences, jobs, things learned, all of those. But those good things continue to help me in my current life. I get support from my friends, I can build on life and work experience, always keeping an open mind to learn new skills or discover new interest that might lead from things I have done in my past.

It’s when the memories or the blueprints of behavior stop me from moving forward that the past becomes a burden. Like the card shown above, carrying that huge box of past junk obscures my view of what’s going on now,  the path I’m walking, everything.

A few weeks ago, when I was madly trying to figure out how to move everything in a short period of time, I had a big fire for most of an entire day. I burned old journals, a ton of photographs, magazines, memorabilia from a particular time in my life. I had read through some of them before I tossed them in the flames. You know what they were? Years of complaints about the same old stuff. Same song, different verse. This isn’t enough, that’s wrong, I can’t get around this, blah, blah, blah. I was kind of appalled. I felt like I hadn’t really grown or changed much at all.

It’s really time to put that big old box down. I’m tried of carrying it around with me everywhere. Even though it appears like I won’t be physically moving, at least not in the immediate future, I’m still going to continue to downsize and move forward emotionally. Books, clothing, nick-knacks, everything. If I hold something in my hands and I don’t get immediate warm memories or a desire to use it instantly, then it’s going. Stuff is no longer going to rule my life, and that includes emotional stuff as well. There are some old relationships that I’ve been hanging on to, in hopes that something will change, that some magic will happen and they will all of a sudden become everything I wanted them to be back when. I’ve known for ages that none of that was going to happen, but I’ve been unwilling to admit it to myself for lots of reasons.

They’re over. Those relationships might have panned out differently at one time, but they didn’t and so they are not serving me any longer. I need to let those burdens go, too. It’s okay. The people on the other end of them have no idea that I’ve been carrying them around on my shoulders for all these years, so when I put them down, they won’t feel a thing. All that will happen is I’ll have better posture and a much clearer view of my life as it is right now. Really, what took me so long?

I don’t think of any of these things as mistakes. I believe for the most part that people make the best choices they can given their life skills at the time. I would like to think that my skills are a little sharper now, that I have a bit more discernment when it comes to doing things that will help or hinder me, and being able to see down the road a bit when contemplating an action. I can learn from everything that I’ve been carrying for so long, but I no longer have to haul it around with me. I can put it down.

My goodness, I feel twenty pounds lighter already!

Five-Day Tarot Meditation – Day One – XIII – Transformation (Death)

A couple of days ago, I did something I haven’t done in months and months. I did a Tarot reading for myself. I haven’t even touched the cards much since I got back from my 35th college reunion in April 2014, where I did several readings for friends. Lately I’ve realized that I have put away a lot of the things that were important to me over the years. I’m not sure why. It’s certainly not because G wanted me to. She has always encouraged me to do the things that I love, just as I have done for her. That hasn’t changed…it was an internal thing.

As always, the reading was powerful, moving, and dead on target. Don’t ask me how these things work, but work they do. The reading was so relevant that I decided to leave the cards on the floor of the meditation room, where I sit when I’m working with them and then to meditate on them for a while: Five cards, five days. Thus, with no further ado, card number one:

Major Arcana card XIII – Transformation (Death in traditional decks; I’m using my old faithful Osho Zen deck).

While this card can point to an actual physical death, its meaning is usually about the “death” of something in your life…death of old habits, relationships, ways of thinking or being, that sort of thing. Of course it was really a shock to turn this one over first thing. You know where my mind went…yep, right to the, well, maybe I have to leave after all. But first reactions are not always the best or truest. Hence, meditation. As I said earlier, the only thing I can really change (transform) is myself.  Part of any change is letting go of things that no longer serve. I know there are ways of being and reacting that are no longer serving me, if they ever did. Perhaps I just thought they did. Perhaps I used them to cover wounds that healed a long time ago, but I’ve been too scared to take off the bandage and see.

I also know that transformations can happen suddenly, or gradually, the way the light is coming back into the world as we move toward spring day by day, minute by longer minute each evening. It’s times like these that I would rail against daylight saving time, but then I realize that gives me an opportunity to experience that lightening of the hours twice in the same season, so I won’t rail. Instead, I will pay attention each morning I get off work, each evening to watch the light stay a little longer. A very small transformation but one that will be quite powerful.

I want to look for other such transformations in my life. I meditated today, although I did not get to the gym. I am making bread instead. That’s okay. Making bread is a good activity to indulge in. Making bread is all about transformation: From flour, yeast, sugar, milk into delicious yumminess. Can’t go wrong there. I thought about that as I kneaded the dough.

Transformation is also about mindfulness, about paying attention. As has become my habit with this work schedule, I am now up for a couple of hours before I eat anything and then I want lunch or sometimes even dinner and not breakfast. Before I started the bread making, I realized I was hungry so I heated up some leftover spaghetti. G. was outside working on the yard and I thought I’d just watch a little TV while I ate. But then I stopped. No. No TV. No books. No checking the phone. Just eat. Just me and my little bowl of leftover goodness, that seemed to be better than it was when I first cooked it. So, I sat on the couch and ate. It was good. I enjoyed every bite. It was quite a special meal.

So, I will work on these little transformations of my own life. I will do my best to speak honestly, but not hurtfully. I will listen more than I talk. I will pay attention. I will allow others around me to have their feelings and their own reactions about everything and I will allow them to own them because I don’t have to.

Day by day, habit by habit, meal by meal, transformation will occur.

Tarot Tuesday

After my long Tarot-inspired rant last week, I decided that I would use Tuesdays to put up the Tarotscope messages and how/if they apply. It’s also a good way to get me to write more than a dozen words in a row, a win/win in a lot of ways.

This week’s cards have a completely different message (not surprising) and I have a completely different feeling this week than last. I’ve also begun delving in to Susun Weed’s book about menopause, looking at herbal things, and trying to get 15 minutes of sunlight on my eyelids every day, plus taking some B12 and D vitamins. Overall, I’m feeling a bit better physically, mentally, emotionally.

Let’s get started. I’m still using Tarot For Your Self (TFYS) for the general meanings/interpretations, and I’m still using both the Taurus and the Scorpio Tarotscopes because they work so well together for me, and I’m using the Oshos Zen cards/names.  I’m nothing if not eclectic

This week’s Taurus:  Ace of Water (Cups) – Going With the Flow. The card shows a figure just sort of back-floating in the water, relaxed and let go. I can so totally relate to that, as lying on my back in the water after a long swim is one of my favorite things to do. Honestly, sometimes I think I could just go to sleep like that. Good thing I’m naturally bouyant.

Cups represent emotions, relationships, the subconscious, psychic and intuitive arts, as well as fertility, grace and serenity. I don’t know about you but that sounds lovely, especially the grace and serenity part. I’d love to get some of that.

The Tarotscope message says this card augurs a new emotional cycle (I’m down with that), and is a time when real gains can be made in regards to emotional fulfillment. It’s a chance to make a new start in connecting with others, which could mean new people to welcome or it could be fresh starts or new beginnings in previously troubled relationships. I’m hoping it’s a little bit of both, because new friends are always welcome and based on last week’s vent, you know I could use some of the latter. And speaking of which, we have plans to go for a long drive tomorrow after getting E to school to see some fall colors and visit some quilt shops. We are both really looking forward to that. TFYS says this card is about heart opening, which is interesting, because in my last post about being grateful for yoga, I mentioned that I felt my heart open a little during my last practice. I would like to keep the trend going. Aces do speak to beginnings, action ideas. That primary impulse, full of possibility. It’s nice to see some possibilities here for a change. I’d like to hang on to that.

Now for the questions:

What is making you feel good right now? I’ve been going for walks around lakes. That always makes me feel better. I’m sitting out in the sun more, not too long, but long enough to get the benefit of sunlight on my bare skin. I do think I can tell a difference. I’m working on being calm when I tell E that I won’t accept his attitude or that he has to do X before he can have Y. I am really working on putting the Love & Logic ideas that we learned in parenting classes into practice, not just with E, but with a lot of things. Not having to react immediately, to give myself time to think, and form a better response.

What would you like to do to indulge yourself? Spend a whole day reading a really good book. Lately, as I mentioned, I have been reading the unread books in the house. I lucked out with the first couple, and really enjoyed them. Then, I hit the wall with one that I really did not think I would be able to finish. It wasn’t bad so much as it was just blah. I finally finished that and now I’m reading a non-fiction book on an interesting topic, but I just want to be done with it and get back to my regular diet of British mysteries and spy thrillers. So, maybe I’ll do that next week. I also found out that on Tuesdays, I can go to the movies for five dollars! Yay five dollar movies on my day off! I’m so there.

Who or what is offering you nurturing or love? Well, I’d like to say G, but even at the best of times, she is not really a nurturing person. She’s not touchy/feely/huggy. I kind of am. This has nothing to do with sex, a subject that we just won’t broach at all. But she’s not going to sit down and put her arm around my shoulders and say, “Honey, are you okay, I’ve been concerned about you,” and pull me into a hug or anything like that. She’ll say she’s been concerned about me, but a lot of times, it comes out more like an accusation along the lines of, “Why aren’t you doing more to take care of yourself?” I know she means well underneath, but there’s a disconnect between her feelings and her delivery.  And now, there have been some deaths in her extended family, and we’re dealing with that, and I get it. I do. It’s just that sometimes, I wish she would treat me as kindly and sweetly as she does the dog. She doesn’t have any trouble nurturing the dog. So, I guess in most ways these days (not that it can’t or won’t change), it is up to me to nurture myself, but that is not a bad thing to know how to do. I’m not complaining. So, a good book, a walk around the lake and a five dollar movie.

What messages are you receiving from dreams or visions? Last week’s dream wasn’t so great. I’ve been really sleep deprived this week, so no dreams…that I can remember. I would love to dream more often, but I think you require a baseline level of sleep in order for that to happen. I’m going to work on that, talk to myself before bed, ASK for a good dream. I loaned my MP3 player to E a while back and let him take it out of the house and it didn’t come back (another long story), so I’m going to look around the pawn shops and see if I can replace it. I miss it more than I thought I would. I had some drumming CDs that are good for lucid journeying, too.

What does your heart feel most open to? That is one hard question. My heart doesn’t feel real open right now…but I know it IS opening again. I know it can. I think I just have to continue with these good habits, maybe add some more to the list, and just continue to allow. I’m seriously thinking of having that phrase,”You can’t get it wrong and you never get it done…” on my left forearm where I see it every day. I might even want that more than my Alcatraz tattoo.

So, that was my Taurus card, Ace of Cups. Nice message, some nice reinforcement that what I’m doing just might be working a little bit. On to the Scorpio card:

The Fool – Major Arcana 0 – I love this card! Lots of people don’t, the think it’s really negative because it shows a guy in a harlequin outfit, holding out a flower, looking past the flower and stepping off a cliff…foolish man, not watching where he was going (kind of like texting and driving, right?). But he’s not falling off a cliff. He’s taking a leap of faith. He’s the beginning, the single step that carries you into an entirely different life or way of being. To be “foolish” like that is to have that open heart that I seem to be searching for.

Tarotscope meaning – There’s a new journey ahead, plans to make, new opportunities, new, new, new. It’s not comfortable for control-freaky types (been there), but putting yourself into new situations often requires the ability to make mistakes or look “like a fool” until you get the hang of it. I think of this card every time I start a new job and go into that learning curve…I remind myself that in six months, everything I am stumbling and falling over now will be old hat then, and I’ll be looking for something else to challenge me.

TFYS interprestation – Free-spirited. Carefree. Being open to experience. Spontaneity. Experiencing life from moment to moment, right here and now, and my favorite, “Expect the unexpected with this card.” And the questions:

In what area of your life are you operating entirely on faith and trust? That would have to be with E. I’m not a “helicopter” parent, although right now, knowing that he has not turned in 2 syllabi for 2 of his classes after we went through communication with his teachers about getting an extension (which he missed), it’s sorely tempting. Instead, I am trying to draw back, to allow him to rise to expectations. I have faith that he is a pretty smart young man. I trust that he will make mostly good decisions. I see him living up to his potential in many ways, his physical potential, his intellectual potential, his emotional potential. I want to look beyond all the crap that’s right in front of me now because that doesn’t really matter. I want to see the outcome that shows him to be the best person he could be for himself. Not for me, for him. That’s where I operate entirely on faith and trust.

Where are you going? If I knew that, I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog. My good friend Don once said the title of his autobiography would be, “Hopelessly Lost But Making Good Time.” I was SO mad at him for stealing my title. That really is how I appear to have lived my life. Or maybe, “I Can’t Seem to Get There From Here, But At Least I Know Where I Am.” That one is all me. Or even, “Above All, Don’t Stop For Directions!” Yeah, maybe that one.

What would be fun to do if you could do anything you wanted? Seriously? Someone is seriously asking me that question? I would find a flat in the UK, Scotland, probably, or maybe even Spain, and travel. First I’d just live there for about six months, get to know the neighborhood, the people, the pubs. Then I would venture out…a week here,  week there, home for a couple of weeks and off again. Write, eat, photograph, talk to people. Travel light, and lighter. Learn languages. Visit homes, visit parks, walk around lakes, walk by rivers. What else would I need to do? A museum now and then. A flea market. Bookstores, but I’d rather find the libraries.

So, this week is apparently the week of the fresh start, of lying back in the cool water and letting the current take me where it will. You know when you get into a current, you have no control, right? So guess I better forget about controlling anything, just make sure I don’t bounce too hard off the rocks, which means I need good boundaries, but that’s just to keep me on course, not to try to make the flow go in a different direction. They are two quite different things and I need to keep that in mind.

Go with the flow. Take a leap of faith. Not too shabby.

Working It Out

Every Monday, I go here and check out my Tarotscopes for the week. I check my sun sign, Taurus, and then I also check my rising sign, Scorpio, because I have so many planets and other aspects of my chart in Scorpio that I might as well be that. For the last few weeks, I can’t even begin to say how dead-on accurate these have been on so many levels. So much so that I decided to get serious about it and dig deeper. Too much crap is going on in my life right now and I’ve got to figure out some way to deal with it or it’s going to take me all the way down. Which meant I also pulled out my trusty copy of “Tarot For Your Self” (TFYS) by Mary K. Greer. If you are interested in Tarot at all, I can’t recommend this book too highly. In addtion to the history and basic meanings of the cards, there are exercises and questions and all kinds of other work that one can delve into for self understanding and transformation.

Thus, without further ado, this week’s cards are: Taurus – 9 of Swords and Scorpio – Queen of Swords

Well, two Swords cards. There’s already a lot of processing to be done, because Swords represent rational, logical and mental functions as well as communications and thoughts. Thoughts? Ha! That’s where I live, right? Stupid thoughts. Swords are also indicative of a struggle (ya think?) and point to a need for a decision about or separation from past attachments. Good lord. And there are two of them. Also, in my Zen deck, Swords equal Clouds/Mind. Mind in Zen is, if not the enemy, at least something that needs to be mastered and not allowed to master. Tough stuff.

Today, I’m just going to use the interpretations/questions from TFYS for simplicity’s sake. Let’s begin with the 9 of Swords. First, the number itself (another reason I love TFYS, numerology). Nines represent luck, fate, force, capability, integration, magic, completion, CHANGE IS STABILITY (my emphasis), and self-awareness. In the negative, isolation, delusion, lack of discipline, which I have been feeling mightily lately.

The 9 of Swords itself: Depression, suffering, guilt, putting yourself down and nightmares. Wow, because I had a couple of serious nightmarish dreams last night/this morning, which is something I almost never do. But that’s a whole other blog post. Yes, to all of the other above, as well. Have I been/am I depressed? Yes. Am I suffering because of it? Yes. Do I put myself down? Yes. Sometimes it’s humorous/ironic, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes it’s just out of habit, but yes, I do. I put myself down a lot. I’m not sure why. I think I learned it early. I got picked on a lot and when I complained about it to my mother, her advice was first, on the order of, they don’t know you and how great you are, which was good, and you should just beat them to the punch and make a joke out of it, which maybe wasn’t so good, because it taught me early to put myself down, “as a joke.” I’m learning now a lot, LOT later, that all those years of putting myself down weren’t really a joke. Me, myself and I listened maybe a little bit too well, as kids/youngsters do. So much so, that when I get compliments and kudos, I can scarely believe them, even today. I know (intellectually) that I need to push myself forward and toot my own horn a bit more than I do, but even writing those words, I am feeling the beginning of chest pains, it makes me so anxious to think about. Baby steps, honey, baby steps, you don’t have to start right now. It’s okay. Breathe.

So, on to the questions:

How are you putting yourself down? So many ways. Part of it is keeping this job. I tell myself it’s because I want to work from home–and I do, I really DO like working from home and the thought of having to get dressed to go out of the house and work in an office really does come close to giving me hives. But…I stick to jobs that barely pay and barely use what skills and abilities I have, partly because I’m a wee bit sick and tired of working, but also because (even bigger part) I don’t think I’m able to, or skilled enough or WORTH something better. Don’t think I deserve it, or something. I haven’t quite figured that out yet, and I’m also working on that. Then of course, you factor in the age thing (too much AARP magazine reading), and there’s another stick to beat myself with. But that’s the beauty of working from home–no one really KNOWS how old you are, or what you look like or anything…you just do the job and if it’s done right, everyone’s happy. I also put myself down over this relationship, over not being firm enough with E, being a weak and wishy-washy parent, not living up to some sort of amorphous “standard” that’s out there (mainly of G’s stating), that being a parent means being a martinet–a familial Captain Bligh, if you will, who says, “NO!” first and foremost to every single request and every single thing ever given to a child must be “earned” in some way, even if it’s a trip to McDonald’s. So, I don’t live up to that and so I have been feeling completely and utterly a failure as a parent pretty much this entire last year. And I put myself down about that. I put myself down because I don’t earn much money, and hard as I try, I can’t help comparing myself with other people in other jobs (friends who have long-time career tracks, etc.) and I ALWAYS come up wanting/lacking. All of the above and more. Our relationship is teetering on the brink. I want it to work, but part of me wonders if it really can. I regret every day that I didn’t call social services on the Monday after E. got here on a Friday and just turn him over to them and have them make my daughter (his MOTHER) step up to the plate. But no, me, the doormat, just let myself get stepped on once again, and now, once again, I get to pay for it by putting my life on hold, and once again, I have no idea how to get myself out of this place.

What is the source of your depression? Have you got a few weeks? I’ve thought and thought about this. Why do I feel this way? Even, what right do I have to feel this way? Does a person have a “right” to be depressed when all of their physical needs are being met? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. Maybe that’s part of the source of the depression–that I don’t know how to best handle my own life anymore, that it’s been hijacked by people and circumstances beyond my control, and yet, it all stems from that one fateful decision that I didn’t have the strength enough to say no to. Pretty much, all negative feelings in my life stem from that. “Separation from past attachments.” Hoo boy. Anyone want to lend me a machete? I need to do some serious past hacking here.

What can you do to improve the situation? This is one way. For me, writing is catharsis, and I haven’t been doing enough of it. It’s my process, my therapy. G gave me a new journal, too, and I started using it, but I stopped. I think I’ll put it into the new (well new to me) car I had to buy in order to get E back and forth to school every day, and maybe on my way back from those trips, I’ll stop and write every day. Then again, I was going to stop and walk every day and yet, I haven’t. I have good intentions and then I end up going straight to hell. But. A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step and it’s never too late to start. (AND, “You can’t get it wrong and you never get it done…” I don’t really care about the last part, but I definitely need to keep reminding myself about the first part. “I’m not wrong, I’m not wrong, I’m not wrong.” Yes, just keep saying it. Chest pains, please stop. Like, NOW.)

What dreams or nightmares are plagueing you? Last night, I dreamed I got up the guts and took myself to see an old lover, at his house, on his property, in front of his family (yes, he was married when we had our affair). He, of course, was horrified, and pretended he didn’t know me, even though I was clearly there to see him. There was nothing sexual involved, I just showed up somewhere that seemed to be his house/property. Then we were walking on a beach, and he was knee-deep in surf, still in a suit. We were talking about something, but I don’t remember an actual conversation. Then the beach changed to a swamp and then some huge swamp-thing slithered up out of the swamp water and turned into a dragon. I crouched down in the belly of an old tree and he disappeared (how appropriate). After that, I woke up. I can’t say this dream has “plagued” me, but that relationship has. I’ve been letting it go, too slowly, over the last few years. I’m pretty much done with it–I want to be done with it, which helps. Other things that plauge me? Never being able to do one single thing that I want to do ever again. Never being able to travel anywhere. Never having my bills paid off. Never just being able to get in the car and spend a few nights in Taos or California or where ever without having to make a million different arrangements, whether it be for the grandkid or my work schedule or a pet. Never being able to take time to myself without feeling completely guilty. Like right now, writing this extra long blog post, I feel like I am neglecting G because she’s home and hasn’t been nearly all summer, and so we “should” be spending time together, etc., blah, blah, blah.

Zen says the pain is to wake you up. If that’s the case, I need to be 110% awake RIGHT NOW because I am tired of hurting.

I want to leave all this pain for a moment, so let’s move to the second care, Queen of Swords.

TFYS says court cards operate in two ways, i.e., each court card repesents the person for whom the reading is being done (me) and someone that person (me) may know, especially someone on whom I may have projected some of my personality. Okay, G. Well, that makes perfect sense. Additionally, TFYS says that Queens represent inner and personal control, rather than worldly control. That also makes sense in that I’ve always felt that I had better control of my own self than I ever did of anything else in my life. Relationships, jobs, other circumstances could be going to shit, but still, I managed to keep calm and carry on. Now, it seems to be the opposite. Outward things might really be fine, but inside I feel like a rumbling volcano about to do a Mt. St. Helens. For any younger woman reading this, be warned. It’s NOT over at puberty. Just sayin’.

On to the Queen of Swords herself: Channels thought. Able to speak on behalf of others Makes her point well. Sees through deceit and dissembling. Intelligent and self-reliant. Sharp tongue. Usually fair but can be vindictive. Love of ideas.

All true enough, but something seems to be missing. Able to speak on behalf of others is great, but don’t I get to speak for myself? I think that’s the great lack here. I’ve not been speaking for myself enough. Not nearly enough. All my early “responsibility” training is hard to shake. Suck it up. Don’t make waves. You’re the example. Blah, blah, blah. I’m fed up with all that. Be your own example, use your own brains. I’m nobody’s blueprint.

And the questions:

How are you utilizing your mental and communicative abilities? Not nearly as well as I should be. I know I get defensive when G wants to have a discussion. I’m sure I don’t listen as well as I should before I start to rebut or respond. I need to learn how to use the pause, to not be afraid of the pause. The pause is powerful. I’m also letting all that past stuff get in the way of clear communication. What’s right here, right now. Just because it’s MY baggage doesn’t mean it should be everyone’s baggage. That’s not fair, and the Queen of Swords is fair. Also, according to Zen, judgments, all judgments, are products of our conditioning. All of this work is trying to get through to the truth of my heart, not the judgment of my mind. I may not be there right now, but I’ll get there. I will. Baby steps.

Who is helping you see the alternatives by pointing things out in a rational, perhaps critical, way? Well, that would be G, of course. To be honest (or TBH as the kids like to text), it seems like everything out of her mouth over the last year has been critical. But, again, I have to own my own conditioning. I have to learn how to listen and be fair, to hear that she IS trying to help, even when I percieve it as once again pointing out my shortcomings. She isn’t doing that. I’m using her words to do that for myself. I have to be able to learn the difference.

So as I bring this opus to an end, you can see that there has been a whole hell of a lot going on in my head this week, just from these two cards. Some of it is heavy, very heavy, I won’t lie. This past year, since June of 2013, till now, has probably been the heaviest and most difficult of my entire life. No wonder the chest pains. Heart’s truth wants out, I get that. I have to remember that amongst all this angst and processing, I have to let go of it for a while. I have to find places to relax, spaces to breath, times to laugh.

And, most of all, remember that I can’t get it wrong.