Conflicted

I have a bicycle in my living room. It’s up on a trainer, on a 30 x 30 piece of plywood so that when I ride it the back wheel doesn’t rub and mess up the carpet (yes, I am a conscientious renter). The trouble is, I don’t ride it all that much, but I haven’t let it become a clothes hanger or a prop for other items (although I will hang damp clothes on it if the dryer doesn’t get them all the way). For the most part it just sits equidistant between my two chairs, directly across from the TV cabinet, waiting for me to get on and ride to nowhere while I watch whatever I might choose.

I think about trying to sell it all the time, but something stops me. I’m not sure what. I’m not crazy about riding it on the trainer, but it’s a nice change sometimes from other forms of exercise. I haven’t taken it out of the house to ride it in the neighborhood for several reason. One, I’ve reached the point (age) where I no longer feel really comfortable riding a bicycle on a public street. My balance and riding skills are  okay, but I just don’t want to contend with traffic at all. Also, even though the streets in my neighborhood are wide and not terribly busy, there are many more hills on this side of town than where I used to live and I am definitely not comfortable on a bicycle on a hill…at least not right now.

I do love riding my bike on the many miles of trails here in Pueblo, but now I live quite far from the ones I used to ride on and it’s not feasible for me to ride the bike there, meaning I would have to transport the bike there by car, and I have a mid-size sedan, not a truck. Which means I would need to buy a bike carrier to put on my car in order to schlep it around. And I’m not sure I would ride it all that much, even if I did that. Sort of buying one more thing to carry another thing around with. And I think, how smart is that?

Still, I hesitate to put it up for sale. I’m not sure why. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to take it to Denver with me, and I know there are always bicycles for sale via the Internet or at thrift stores, garage sales, etc. This has really become a point of angst with me and I feel like I’m going to have to do something one way or the other pretty soon. Not much more than a year left here and I have to think ahead. Walking has always been my go-to exercise so maybe I should just stick with that.

But I do enjoy my bike outside and I loved the feeling of being strong enough to ride up some steep hills in those days when I was training for things. I don’t know. Maybe I should just keep it until it’s time to move and then see what happens.

Universe, help me get clear on this, thank you.

 

Discoveries

Time marches on and life goes with it. April was my first anniversary of being here in this little place. The past year has flown by and now we are deep into summer.

Discovery: I really like summer when there’s a pool right outside my door. I’m in there nearly every day, even when I work. I’ll probably go out for a dip right after I post this because it’s still early and it’s going to be fierce hot today (triple digits). I try to stay in about twenty to thirty minutes (without sunscreen) to get my vitamin D for the day. I haven’t burned and I have some tan lines!

I signed a new lease in June. I initially signed a 14-month one to get $100 off the deposit. This time the incentive was to sign a 15-month lease, get $200 off the next month’s rent and have my carpets cleaned. I knew I was going to stay here until E. graduates, so done. Next year, I’ll sign a regular 12 month lease and be ready for the next step in my overall plan by September 2018.

Discovery: I’m perfectly okay with leaving here and leaving E. without knowing what kind of a plan HE has for the next few years. That’s up to him. I’m giving him lots of fair warning.

Discovery: I love being single. Love. It. Oddly, a couple of guys here in the apartment complex have tried to start up conversations with me. I keep it on a completely superficial level. Couldn’t be less interested in anything more. I have no desire to have any kind of romantic relationship ever again. The relief of this realization is palpable. No more justifying my weird habits or my work schedule or my eating or anything else. No more “mushy” decisions, “If you want to.” or “I don’t care, you choose.” and then being wrong. Fuck that. I have a friend here and we try to get together for lunch on a fairly regular basis and EVERY time, I’ll say, where do you want to go, and he replies, “I don’t care.” There are times when I really HATE that. It sometimes makes me just not even want to go. Then other times he’ll text and say, “Half-price wings at Buffalo Wild Wings on Tuesday!” and I’m like YES, finally make a damn decision.

Discovery: I want very little. I’m on a 2-year mission to downsize. I am going to try to downsize five things every day. So far, I haven’t been very good at it, but that’s the goal. I recently ordered myself 2 new pairs of pants…linen…been looking for something like them for a while. But, when they arrive and if they fit, I will need to let go of at least 2 pairs of pants. I have been culling through my drawers on a regular basis…do I really wear this, do I really like this, does this really fit the way I like and will it ever fit that way? If not, gone! And that’s just clothing. I have more books to release. This morning, I woke up thinking about artwork. I have some genre-specific stuff in a foot locker that I will probably never hang. But they are great pieces for the right person. I started thinking of people who might like them and so far I think I’ve found homes for 2 of them. We’ll see how that develops.

Discovery: I like my little garden in pots. I’m getting lots of cherry tomatoes now, the basil is flowering and fragrant and I have discovered that squash plants do not like to grow vertically. The one plant I kept is growing in a bucket and it’s a beautiful plant but all the squash but one have shriveled and dried up before reaching more than a couple of inches long. I think it’s because the plant has to grow UP out of the bucket first. So, I planted another seed in a shallower planter and it’s coming along. We will see what happens. My cucumber plant succumbed to irregular watering and I think its pot was too small. We’ll try again next year in a different pot. Also next year: Peppers and eggplant.

Discovery: It’s all a grand experiment.

Discovery: If by some sick cosmic joke, Donald Trump gets elected president, I am seriously contemplating moving to Canada. There, I said it. That’s one experiment I don’t want to be in the middle of.

Bit By Bit

Here we are in the third week of January. Where does the time go? Even E has been commenting on it recently, and I guess time has to be going by pretty quickly for a teenager to notice it.

I continue to struggle a little bit with letting myself just be the way I want to be. Mainly, I struggle with my work schedule and aftermath. I think if no one else were living with me, I would probably switch over to a sleep in the day, stay up at night routine…maybe not sleeping as late on days off, but still not getting up at the crack of dawn, ever. I think that might be helpful, but with school in, it just isn’t happening. However, I’ve been able to allow myself to sleep sometimes until almost noon on Saturdays and Sundays, and that’s nice. More sleep is good. Sometimes I get up and do things. Sometimes I make coffee and then go back to bed and read until I fall asleep, unless, again, I have to do something with Elijah…fetch and carry, fetch and carry. He’s driving more, but I still have to be in the car with him and it’s going to take something for me to let him drive my car alone even after he has his license. That’s a bridge I’m not looking forward to.

Otherwise, I have a lot of thoughts that I don’t get pushed forward into action as much as I would like to. We did finally have the tamale making session last week and that was fun. I actually think I could forge ahead and make a batch of them on my own, when I have an entire day to devote to the cause–and that would be for even a small batch. If you ever have tamales and think they are too expensive, trust me, they’re not. They are probably one of the most labor intensive edible things ever. But so worth it!

I realized something about myself the other day. If someone were to lock me, naked, into a completely empty room, in about eight hours I would have several piles of clutter needing to be put somewhere. I just seem to generate the stuff out of thin air. The other day, I want through the drawers in my big cabinet in the living room that holds up the TV. How long have I lived here? Barely nine months. Those drawers were already nearly full of junk! A phone book, menus, receipts, a light timer, for heaven’s sake, ethernet cords that were too short to be of any use to anyone, out of date coupons, etc. I thought I was trying to downsize this stuff. How did it wind up in those drawers? I did a quick sort and tossed a lot of stuff. I’m on the second iteration of doing the same with dresser drawers. I sit here at my desk a look across the room at my open closet doors and think, “I have so many clothes and I don’t wear half of them.” That’s not counting for clothes not being worn for seasonal reasons. But then, when I go to pick out something, everything seems so old and dowdy.

Right before Christmas, I broke down and bought six new tops (on sale and free shipping!). I like them, but, here’s the deal. I tried them on when they got here and loved all of them. Then I washed them. The garments themselves didn’t shrink but the sleeves did. I want LONG sleeves. Not three-quarter-inch sleeves, which are the devil’s invention, but honest-to-God long sleeves that come past my wrist and don’t shrink up my arm in the first washing. Not quite that bad but bad enough to leave me tugging  the sleeves down when I wear them around here. Still, I like the styles and the colors, so I guess two out of three isn’t bad. Now I feel compelled to rid myself of six tops to allow the space for the new things. No, I don’t have to, but, again, so many things in my closet have hung there for years and years, unworn. It seems a shame to let the trend go on much longer.

So, I’ve been doing things in bits. A 2-foot length of shelf in the closet. Done. That pesky area by my desk where all the receipts and old e-mails get “filed” (not a trash can). Done. My T-shirt drawer…DONE! Oh, and I even managed to get a T-shirt quilt done with nine of the T-shirts, which I have been using as a lap robe while I work.

Did I mention I’m cold? I’m also itchy. It’s been a cold, dry winter and that is taking it out of my skin. My skin is quite sensitive to stress, too, and all things combined can make for itchy, scratchy nights. Not fun on top of all the other reasons for messing up my sleep.

Now, I’m not complaining, really. I’m trying to look at all of this stuff as a kind of experiment, to see if some things work better than others for dealing with all of, figure out what they are and maybe stick with it for a a few weeks. It’s all still baby steps, and you can’t ever really predict what you might learn from the entire process.

And on that note, my eyelids are becoming quite heavy, so I think I’ll go lie down and see what happens.

 

 

Summertime…

…and the livin’ is easy. I have been enjoying this summer much more than I have enjoyed this season in a long time.  There are lots of reasons: A pool right outside my door, a sweet air conditioned apartment, a completely flexible schedule outside of work, volunteer work at the local farmers’ market, hanging out with my grandson, watching movies, laughing with his crazy friends, teaching him to DRIVE (yes, you read that right). And no one to judge when or how or why I do any of these things. For instance, take Monday and Tuesday mornings. They can be rough. I get off work at 5 a.m. and E has football practice at 7 a.m. both days. That doesn’t leave much time for sleeping. I try to doze till about 6, get him awake enough for both of us to get in the car, then I scoot the couple of miles to the school, drop him off and park the car, where I then recline the seat and snooze till he’s done at around 8:30 or 9. By then, he’s worn out from about two hours of weight lifting and wind sprints, so we go home and both of us crash. I usually sleep less than he does, but at least I manage to go back to sleep. He wakes up later or he sleeps all night. I let him. This may be the last summer he has without some kind of a job, so hell, sleep all day if you can, my boy, and enjoy it. Some days he wakes up, we watch a little TV together, and he may fall asleep again or he may stay up till the wee hours. Doesn’t bother me. If he’s hungry, he’s learning how to do basic stuff, ramen noodles, chicken sandwiches, bacon, eggs and toast. He won’t starve if he gets hungry enough. Sometimes he plays his XBox, sometimes he watches Netflix and catches up on one of our favorite TV shows, The Fosters. We like to watch things together–The Fosters, America’s Got Talent, various sports movies or action films. We want to go see the new Mission: Impossible movie next week, so I got the 3rd one, Ghost Protocol on Netflix last week, so he could see that one first. The stunt of Tom Cruise climbing on the skyscraper in Dubai alone is worth seeing it. We talk about a lot of things when we watch movies. It’s a good time for both of us.

Thing is, who cares when we eat or sleep, really? We get where we need to be when we need to be there, work gets done, bills get paid and the house is in pretty good shape. If I want to drink a pot of coffee at midnight, who’s to say I shouldn’t. If he wants to take a shower at 4 a.m., why not? I will simply be glad he’s bathing.

So much energy has been wasted on “schedules” and things SHOULD be done a certain way. I’m done with that. I want my life easy. I understand being polite and considerate of other people, but it’s just the two of us and it’s summertime. Life is meant to be easy.

And on that note, please listen to the classic song by the inimitable Billie Holiday:

Allowing

morningpages (640x480)This is what morning looks like chez Granny when I go to bed at a “normal” hour and then pop awake at 3:30 a.m.  It’s all good. I realized I wasn’t going to go back to sleep (maybe I’ll carve out time for a nap later), so I got up and wandered around for a while. I heard what I thought was a flock of birds outside my kitchen window (which looks out onto the parking lot, well lit), so I crept outside to see what was going on with them. Turns out it was only ONE bird. Yes, just one, carrying on quite the merry conversation with himself. As near as I could tell in the light of the centrally located street lamp, it was a swallow. Probably the first time I’d seen a swallow sit still for that long. I attempted to chirp back at him for a bit, and we carried on a halfhearted conversation. He seemed quite surprised that anyone was responding. I would imagine so at 4 a.m. And then, I’m sure I speak swallow with a horrible human accent. But for a few minutes, we had a conscious exchange. It was very sweet.

The moon was nearly full in the western sky, the air cool. I stayed out a little bit longer, just lounging against my car, watching two stray (I assume) cats soaking up the residual heat from the asphalt. There was no agenda, gay or otherwise. I let myself be moved by whatever action thought popped into my head next. Of course, that was coffee.  After a few moments with the journal, I went into the pool area. Yes, that’s the pool there up above. Nice, isn’t it? After my first dip, I’ve been going in nearly every day. If I go around 11-ish, I’m pretty much the only one around, especially on weekdays. Do you have any idea how much fun it is to be the only one in the whole pool? Even a smallish pool? It’s just wonderful. I don’t do much actual swimming, but I sort of breast stroke and back stroke around the perimeter a few times, stretch my legs, work my hips, and just enjoy being in the water.  I’m already enjoying this summer more than I have any summer in recent memory. I only stay about 15 minutes, because I’m also not using sunscreen in order to take on more Vitamin D. Call it an experiment. So far, I have a tiny bit of color in otherwise pale places, but no burn. Win/win.

My basil is sprouting. I noticed it yesterday as I was leaving to get E. to practice. That made my heart swell with happiness. I don’t know if I’ll have the lush crop I had the last few years (the pot is much smaller for one), but I’ll have some basil at least. I’m casing the area to figure out the best place to put a potted tomato for next year. The trickiest thing will be watering. I’m wondering how I might collect some rainwater on the sly. There are gutters all over the place here, but sticking a bucket under one of them would be just a bit conspicuous. The basil is no problem…just use whatever’s left in my water bottle each day. Or I can move it out from under the porch when it rains.

The point is, I’m letting things flow. I’m allowing. I think for our Western, hurry up, goal-oriented culture, that’s a very difficult thing. Allowing is not a particularly active verb. You let things happen as opposed to making them happen. But here’s a funny thing…sometimes when you’re trying to make something happen, maybe it’s not the thing that’s supposed to happen. And you work so hard to make it happen that other things, good, real, necessary things, that might have happened or would have happened if you weren’t so busy actively pushing in another direction, then can’t happen. I know, that’s a lot of happening in that sentence, but I know you follow me.

It also doesn’t mean that you just sit around all day doing nothing. Although a day of that every now and then can certainly be refreshing. It means you learn timing. You learn that when all of a sudden everything feels like you’re walking knee deep in rough water, maybe you should quit slogging for a while and see where the current takes you. It’s okay to relax. It’s okay to have a different schedule. It’s okay to take a nap at noon or eat Chinese food for breakfast. Allowing small changes in your life or routine and pave the way for bigger things to happen quickly.

Allow yourself to breathe and observe a little bit. Rest. Let be. Peace.

Finding Our Rhythm

This week has been considerably more relaxing than the 2 previous. E had another friend over on Monday and Tuesday (also playing football) so I could get them to their 7 a.m. weight practice. N is a nice kid–we met him and his parents when we were in the first go-round of parenting classes. On Monday, I got them to practice and just hung out in the car. I thought I might doze, but I didn’t, just read my book. Then they came home and crashed like teen-sized logs and I, alas, though exhausted and desperately needing to sleep before my final shift, could simply NOT go back to sleep. When the boys woke up, they wanted to go to the mall, which was fine with me, but they needed to find their ride home since I would be working. N said he would call his mom after she got off work. So I took them and when I got back, I STILL wasn’t sleepy, but needed to do something, so I decided to give the pool a try. Did I mention we have a pool here? I hadn’t been in it at all. So I got on my casual swim gear (as opposed to lap swimming gear) and took the plunge. Of course, it’s small, but the deep end is really deep, over my head, so floating is great. There were only 2 little boys playing in the shallow end, and their moms were pretty attentive, so I had the whole thing mostly to myself. Win! Since the sun was out and I hadn’t put on any sunscreen, I had to limit myself, but those 20 minutes floating around on a pool noodle were more relaxing that a couple of hours tossing and turning trying to sleep when it won’t happen. In fact, I’m going out there here in a few and do it again before I have to start my week tonight.

This week was very calm. Practice 2 days in a row and the rhythm there is get up at 6:30, get to the school by 7, wait for them, either read or doze, come home and we all try to go back to sleep. I decided a couple of weeks ago that I am just going to let this schedule happen. If I want to sleep, I’ll sleep, if I want to read, I’ll read. I want to pay attention to my body. I’m trying not to obsess so much about food, that being, worrying about what E is going to eat. He’s not a big eater and kind of picky. I find myself trying to fix all this stuff to try to tempt him and all I do is end up eating it myself and that’s not good for me. So I’m learning to fix smaller portions, just do things that I know he’ll eat and then do stuff like make a roast and shred it, so I can put it with rice or noodles or in BBQ sauce for sandwiches, etc., I’m buying more frozen veggies because they keep. He likes green beans, peas, corn. Simple enough. Pull out a bag and what’s left, I’ll eat over a few meals. He doesn’t like leftovers and I don’t have a microwave, so downsizing portions is fine. I love leftovers, and I don’t mind putting them in a skillet on low and waiting for fifteen minutes.

He’s been fun this week. Most of his friends have been out of town, so he’s just had me to hang around with. I gave him a choice last night of home done pizza on Boboli crust (with homemade sauce) or Popeye’s chicken, which he loves, and he picked the pizza which surprised me. Then I offered to take him to DQ when he was looking for munchies, and when we got home, we watched the 3rd Transformer movie on demand. He actually hung out with me, and we laughed and talked. This morning I had to take him for a UA (that’s twice a month until his court case is over), and he willingly went to the store with me and helped me find things he wanted to eat. Now he’s playing XBox and I’m going to hit the pool, the try to put together a (small) casserole for dinner. It’s going to be a play on chilaquiles, so I hope it will go over. But if not, it’s all made from leftovers, so I haven’t blown the farm on ingredients.

I hope this weekend will be relaxed and restful, getting ready for the tough Monday and Tuesday. The stress level is SO much better. The mandatory structure has kind of fallen away and I’m enjoying letting things evolve.

And today, I hung up some wind chimes and planted basil. Plans for the grotto continue…And SCOTUS actually did the right thing! Lots of gratitude here in Pueblo today.

I

Keeping My Own Company

Yesterday was a long swim, nearly an hour. More than, if you count the undressing and re-dressing parts. Every time I go swimming after a long hiatus, I spend at least the first few minutes kicking myself that I let so much time go by between swims. The moment I slide into the water, my entire perspective changes. All is well. I can’t explain it. There is just nothing like being in the water. In addition to swimming my laps, I consciously tried to spend at least a few minutes just being in the water. That’s a little more difficult, but yesterday, after I finished, there was no one waiting for a lane, and only one other person in the pool, so just just hung out for a bit. Thing is, I am naturally buoyant. At the deep end, 13 feet, I don’t have to tread water, I just naturally bob out at about chin level. I could hang submerged in the water all day, if I wouldn’t completely shrivel into a prune. So, I just bobbed for a while, then walked a little back and forth in the shallow end, stretched and called it good…oh, I did swim about 50 laps first, so it was a good workout. Then, in the locker room, I struck up a chat with a woman who asked me if I worked for the college. I said, no, I just enjoyed swimming there. She told me about an on-campus challenge they are having, called the “Iron Wolf.” The CSU-Pueblo mascot is the Thunder Wolf, hence…

Anyway, the challenge is, for the month of June, to swim 2.4 miles, ride your bike 112 miles, and walk 26 miles…the distances of an Ironman Triathlon, but just to do it in a month. I thought this was a fabulous challenge. I am working on getting my bike back over here and saving up for a trunk-mounted bike carrier, and when I do, I am going to set this as a challenge for myself. Of course the swimming part won’t take me long, but I need to map out a few walking routes here around the neighborhood, so I can keep track of my walking and fortunately, I do have an odometer on my bike. I am really excited about this. I am following this amazing woman as she prepares for an Ironman, and so I will kind of feel like I am making strides in that direction myself. I will do my best not to let hot weather, etc. talk me out of it. And if any readers would like to throw some words of encouragement my way, I wouldn’t decline them.

Otherwise, E finished up 9th grade! I don’t know how good his grades were, but he’s got his schedule for next fall already, and now we are plunging into football with a vengeance. I went to the used bookstore today and picked up a copy of “It” by S. King to keep in the car. I spend a lot of time waiting for him, so might as well have a good read along with me. I’ve already re-read “The Shining” and something by Dean Koontz. I never got to leave books in the car before (NOTHING could be left in the car…well, tools) so I’m reclaiming that, too. Reclaming feels wonderful. In fact, I had to go over to the house again today to pick up my suitcase and an item that came in the mail over there, and I remembered this article that I read recently. G wasn’t there, so I spent a little time walking in the yard/gardens, and calling my power back to me. I saw that not only was the cherry tree gone, but also the apple and plum tree that we had planted the first week we moved in. I chose not to be sad about that. I choose to think not only was it about bad weather last fall, but also about me reclaiming my own energy from that place. I want to be able to drive past there or even go visit (I have been offered garden produce and I will take it!) and look at the place in a completely third person mode. So, by calling all of my power back from there, I can allow that to happen. It was a much better feeling than the last time I was there.

I’ve also started looking for places that I could possibly live for a year outside the country once E has graduated and moved on. He may not want to go at that time, but I am being clear to him that Hotel Gramma is closing in 2018. And once I turn 62, and have even the HOPE of Social Security, some plans and dreams are coming true for ME for a change.

So far, I am liking this challenge. A LOT!

And Here I Am…

I’ve been managing an hour or so of “me” time pretty well. I guess I cheated a little bit on the no TV thing because part of the time I’m spending with myself is involving some exercising and movement, and I found a number of nice, brief workouts in the free on-demand section of my cable. This is a really great thing! I found a very good 10-minute walking workout that I can do when I get really groggy in the middle of the night…it’s great for getting the blood moving and brief enough that I can do it on break. I’ve also found some yoga/pilates and strength/weight routines, too. It’s great to be able to have those choices when it’s too hot to go out or I just want a few minutes of something.

I also finally bit the bullet and bought a new swim card at the college and updated my parking pass. I was really bummed because I had about 5 swims left on my old card, which was in my wallet, and I think in clearing out a bunch of old receipts somewhere along the way, I accidentally tossed it. However, this new one is tucked inside my photo protectors so it should stay safe and sound. E has football camp at the college next week and hopefully, I’ll get in a couple of swims, too. AND, it’s so close now, I could walk if I were really motivated…but maybe not carrying my swim bag.

I’ve also started journaling again–pen to paper actual writing. There are things I need to write about that I don’t really want to put here, even in a private post. And there’s something extremely cathartic about watching the words flow out of your fingers. It’s just a different process than typing. Long ago, when I wrote, I did everything longhand and then typed it into the computer (or on paper via typewriter–anyone remember typewriters?). It took me a long time to learn how to compose fiction at the computer. Now I would find it physically exhausting to try to write a story or a novel with pen and paper, but I love the process of journaling and I’m happy to be doing it once more. And, yes, I inaugurated a new journal in honor of the challenge. It’s a thick one, too, so I have to keep at it.

I’m doing my leg stretches most every day. They definitely help, although as time moves on, I find that drastic changes in the barometric pressure make a huge difference in my pain level. I don’t know if it’s the climate here, with the rather thin, dry air, or what, but there are days when moving is just really difficult and I think, why, I haven’t done anything to warrant this, and then I watch the weather reports and invariably there are massive, conflicting fronts clashing along the Front Range, moving through. I mean, if the tides can affect us, why not air pressure changes as well?

I haven’t made much progress on my little grotto area, but that’s more due to budget concerns than anything else. It’ll happen. E is winding down school and winding up football, so once that schedule kind of adjusts, maybe I’ll be able to hit a few garage sales.

The thing I’m learning about doing this challenge is how to work with my own rhythm. I spent so many years following someone else’s imperatives (and for most of that time happy to do it), that I kind of lost my own sense of how I would like to move through this world. I know it’s a slower pace than a lot of people. I can have really long-term goals and be okay with not knowing how I’m going to achieve them in this red-hot second. Another thing I’m learning…”how” isn’t that important. “How” will take care of itself if I’m just clear on “what.” So, I’m concentrating on the “what.”

I think that’s pretty good progress for a week. Going to go spend some time with myself now. I’ll check back later.

Cheers!

One Month

It was a month here on May 15. I celebrated my birthday here on the 12th, too. It was a quiet day, the kind I like best. Thanks to a gift certificate from a friend, I took myself to one of my favorite coffee shops for a latte and a scone. I finished a book I had been trying to get through, in peace. It was lovely. I have change from the gift cert to use when I meet another friend there tomorrow for more BD goodness. A birthday is too wonderful to confine to just one day…I’m using the whole month, and what better month than lovely May?

We have had a LOT of rain here this spring and it has been cool and sweet. The cloud-covered skies are inspiring and I never knew there were so many shades of gray (way more than 50!) E and I are falling into a routine. He’s picked up another friend, who happens to live nearby, so now it’s a trio. They made a plan to rotate weekends at each others’ houses and that works for me. I had them this past weekend and told them they could take over the living room, since E’s room is so small. The two folding mattresses have already paid for themselves in convenience. I inherited E’s twin when he got his futon (which he loves) and now everyone is at least a few inches off the actual floor.

I continue to break in the kitchen and forget where I put things. I finally went back over to the house this weekend and got the majority of my artwork. Now I’m trying to decide where I want it and I’ve already got myself set on a new purchase…now that I have a wall big enough to hang it. For the art fans who might read this, PLEASE go to my friend Jay’s site and look at his work. I love it. He’s raw and vibrant and real and he deserves to be noticed.

The trip to the house was brief. G wasn’t feeling well and while the yard was as beautiful as ever, I really had no desire to stay any longer than I absolutely needed to. It’s not my space anymore. Again, I was kind of surprised at the lack of emotion, but I did notice the cherry tree was dead–I don’t think it survived that awful hard freeze we got back in November. I thought that was just a tad symbolic.

I think the best thing about this month is that I have been learning to take my time and listen to myself. Do I want to go for a walk? Hmm, yes I do. Do I want to cook breakfast? Hmm, no not right now. I know it’s going to be somewhat different this summer with E out of school, but I’m hoping football will fill up a lot of that time. Either way, just going to take it a day, an hour, a moment at a time and not stress over it.

And now, time to toss laundry in the dryer before work.

Later, taters!