In less than an hour here, it will be Samhain or Halloween, as it is more commonly known. It’s a time of mystery, contemplation and connection with the parts of ourselves that we don’t always think about, not just about jack o’ lanterns and candy.
I’ve been very scattered lately and feeling stuck and blah and completely disconnected from anything meaningful. I go through my routine, do my work, pay my bills, fetch and carry the boy to and from school, get everything done, but there’s no spark, no drive, no real energy there. Just automatic movements.
But just tonight, I felt a push, an urge to maybe reconnect to the person I once was and to open up to the person I might become. I lit a candle and some incense. They’re burning now across from my desk, the candle on the bookcase/altar behind my door, with photos of my parents lit by the soft light, and the incense on my dresser on the other side of the room, next to Buddha and my shamanic mesa (i.e., medicine bundle) which is open on the top, allowing the incense smoke to waft over the contents. My mesa has been dormant for quite some time, just like me. But, again, earlier this month, I felt the need to bring it out. I left it out on the night of the full moon, open to the soft light of that heavenly body.
There are items in there that I accumulated during my shamanic studies, symbols of my journey around the medicine wheel, tokens from places I have been, gifts from friends. I need to sit with it more often, to become familiar again with the energy of each item. They’re my tools and I need to learn them once more.
I started reading Pema Chodron’s “The Places That Scare You” and there is a lot in there I needed to be exposed to and understand. About being in discomfort, about feeling things you don’t particularly want to feel, but allowing yourself to do it anyway. About not running away. I don’t know if I’m running away, but maybe this blah feeling, almost non-feeling, is a form of running away. I don’t know. I’m not sure you can force yourself to feel things, but you can be open. You can be still and allow. This weekend, I started meditating again. There’s no excuse. I wake up, I go pee, for 10 minutes I can sit and meditate. It’s not that long. Right now it feels good. Later it might bring up things, but I hope by then the habit will be stronger and that as above, I can sit and just allow the feelings and simply be with them.
That’s what Samhain is all about. It’s the new year, a new cycle, time for something different. I don’t have to know what it is. I only have to sit with the idea. And allow.