Bad Feelings

I had to go over to the house today. Okay, I didn’t have to, but I decided to. G messaged me that E had a card from his dad’s side of the family (I would have thought the forwarding order was still in place, but oh, well). I was already planning to be over that way this morning because I was going to pick up some eggs from our faithful egg lady, so I said I would just run by and pick it up on the way there. To be fair, she offered to meet me on this side of town later when she had her VA appointment and save me the trip, but I declined. Anyway. She told me she would just leave the card out in a certain place and I could just run up and get it. Fine.

This morning is the second nice day after the rain; in fact, we had some T-showers last night as well. Of course, the yard is stunning…I mean out of a magazine gorgeous, more lovely and lush than it has been in a long time. I know intellectually that about 97% of that is the fact that it’s had nearly unlimited water this spring, but when I stepped out of the car this morning, all I could think was that the yard was happy I wasn’t there any more. And, not even really that, but that the yard was reflecting the relief of not having the conflict inside the house.

The only really odd (and sad) thing was that the cherry tree is in all likelihood dead. We had an extremely long “fall” last year, if you could even call it that. Temperatures were well into the 70s all the way up to Halloween. Many of the trees had not even begun to shed their leaves. Then, on November 7, it went from 71 degrees in Pueblo to -7 in the space of 36 hours. Yes, you read that right. So, it’s completely understandable that we might lose a tree or two. And yet, the red-bud tree and the two apple trees (one just on the other side of the stone bench from the cherry) are all doing well. I was the one who wanted the cherry tree, who picked the cherries, who tried to save enough from the birds to make at least one pie or cobbler each season, who was hoping to make cherry jam this year. That was my tree. And it’s the only one that’s dead. Symbolic much?

Of course, the card wasn’t where she said it was going to be, so I had to call her inside the house and she brought it out. I got to stand on the patio and feel the yard taunting me. I saw everything blooming like some English cottage garden on steroids because of all the damn rain and all I could think of was getting kicked out of the garden of Eden for bad behavior. It was hateful. Then the door opened and she handed me the card, and I thanked her and left. I could not get around the corner fast enough.

I drove past other lovely yards and gardens. In honesty, the whole town looks great this year because of all the rain. Even weedy empty lots look landscaped because the weeds are full and soft and green, as if they had been planned. But, I didn’t care about those places. I could only think of that yard, mocking me. The weird thing was, I was hardly even thinking about G. Oh, yeah, I had visions of her out there at least 7 or 8 hours a day, pulling, poking, weeding, moving, whatever it is you do day after day after day in a relatively small space…honestly I could never figure out just how she always had so much to do, but I guess when you can’t be alone with your own thoughts, you can create a million things to distract you from them.

But I’m here with mine and I’m trying to sort them out. I certainly don’t want to go back there, there’s none of that feeling in all of this.  I don’t want to dig up around my apartment and start planting things. I don’t even have access to a hose!  Maybe I’m just feeling cheated in a general sense. She probably would never even have explored the possibility of buying that house if I hadn’t encouraged (pushed) her to take the chance.  There are a lot of things she wouldn’t have done or experienced if it hadn’t been for me.  But I’m not going to start keeping score. I can do it for five minutes, but not over the long term. I’m not a good candidate for the suffering Olympics; I don’t have the staying power.

I just never thought that standing in the middle of such a beautiful place would be so hard.


About GratefulGran

A little bit of this, a little bit of that...
This entry was posted in baby steps, fear, sad and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Bad Feelings

  1. efrompdx says:

    There was a lot of ‘you’ invested in that yard. Of course it’s hard to let go of that. And, the yard didn’t give you the same kind of emotional distress (maybe some gardenal distress) that G did. The yard was your sanctuary quite often. It’s a real loss to have that taken away. Go ahead and allow yourself to grieve for the yard. And then do something positive like hang up a hummingbird feeder.
    Big, solid hugs to you, GG.

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