When I turned over this card, I knew I was going to get more than I bargained for out of this reading. For the past several years, I have been wrestling with various issues from my past. Guilt, regret, wishful thinking, sometimes nearly overpowering nostalgia have weighed me down, and I don’t even buy into those things…or so I tell myself. I have been stuck thinking about certain crossroads in my life where I went left and have been beating myself up over not going right. Well, I didn’t go right and now here I am. Right now. Right here. In this moment. Whatever happened in the past to bring me here is now irrelevant. I’m not H. G. Wells or Albert Einstein. There’s no way to change the past. I can only change myself, right now, in this present moment.
That’s not to say that my past hasn’t given me wonderful gifts. Of course it has. Dear friends who are still with me, great memories of family, experiences, jobs, things learned, all of those. But those good things continue to help me in my current life. I get support from my friends, I can build on life and work experience, always keeping an open mind to learn new skills or discover new interest that might lead from things I have done in my past.
It’s when the memories or the blueprints of behavior stop me from moving forward that the past becomes a burden. Like the card shown above, carrying that huge box of past junk obscures my view of what’s going on now, the path I’m walking, everything.
A few weeks ago, when I was madly trying to figure out how to move everything in a short period of time, I had a big fire for most of an entire day. I burned old journals, a ton of photographs, magazines, memorabilia from a particular time in my life. I had read through some of them before I tossed them in the flames. You know what they were? Years of complaints about the same old stuff. Same song, different verse. This isn’t enough, that’s wrong, I can’t get around this, blah, blah, blah. I was kind of appalled. I felt like I hadn’t really grown or changed much at all.
It’s really time to put that big old box down. I’m tried of carrying it around with me everywhere. Even though it appears like I won’t be physically moving, at least not in the immediate future, I’m still going to continue to downsize and move forward emotionally. Books, clothing, nick-knacks, everything. If I hold something in my hands and I don’t get immediate warm memories or a desire to use it instantly, then it’s going. Stuff is no longer going to rule my life, and that includes emotional stuff as well. There are some old relationships that I’ve been hanging on to, in hopes that something will change, that some magic will happen and they will all of a sudden become everything I wanted them to be back when. I’ve known for ages that none of that was going to happen, but I’ve been unwilling to admit it to myself for lots of reasons.
They’re over. Those relationships might have panned out differently at one time, but they didn’t and so they are not serving me any longer. I need to let those burdens go, too. It’s okay. The people on the other end of them have no idea that I’ve been carrying them around on my shoulders for all these years, so when I put them down, they won’t feel a thing. All that will happen is I’ll have better posture and a much clearer view of my life as it is right now. Really, what took me so long?
I don’t think of any of these things as mistakes. I believe for the most part that people make the best choices they can given their life skills at the time. I would like to think that my skills are a little sharper now, that I have a bit more discernment when it comes to doing things that will help or hinder me, and being able to see down the road a bit when contemplating an action. I can learn from everything that I’ve been carrying for so long, but I no longer have to haul it around with me. I can put it down.
My goodness, I feel twenty pounds lighter already!