A couple of days ago, I did something I haven’t done in months and months. I did a Tarot reading for myself. I haven’t even touched the cards much since I got back from my 35th college reunion in April 2014, where I did several readings for friends. Lately I’ve realized that I have put away a lot of the things that were important to me over the years. I’m not sure why. It’s certainly not because G wanted me to. She has always encouraged me to do the things that I love, just as I have done for her. That hasn’t changed…it was an internal thing.
As always, the reading was powerful, moving, and dead on target. Don’t ask me how these things work, but work they do. The reading was so relevant that I decided to leave the cards on the floor of the meditation room, where I sit when I’m working with them and then to meditate on them for a while: Five cards, five days. Thus, with no further ado, card number one:
Major Arcana card XIII – Transformation (Death in traditional decks; I’m using my old faithful Osho Zen deck).
While this card can point to an actual physical death, its meaning is usually about the “death” of something in your life…death of old habits, relationships, ways of thinking or being, that sort of thing. Of course it was really a shock to turn this one over first thing. You know where my mind went…yep, right to the, well, maybe I have to leave after all. But first reactions are not always the best or truest. Hence, meditation. As I said earlier, the only thing I can really change (transform) is myself. Part of any change is letting go of things that no longer serve. I know there are ways of being and reacting that are no longer serving me, if they ever did. Perhaps I just thought they did. Perhaps I used them to cover wounds that healed a long time ago, but I’ve been too scared to take off the bandage and see.
I also know that transformations can happen suddenly, or gradually, the way the light is coming back into the world as we move toward spring day by day, minute by longer minute each evening. It’s times like these that I would rail against daylight saving time, but then I realize that gives me an opportunity to experience that lightening of the hours twice in the same season, so I won’t rail. Instead, I will pay attention each morning I get off work, each evening to watch the light stay a little longer. A very small transformation but one that will be quite powerful.
I want to look for other such transformations in my life. I meditated today, although I did not get to the gym. I am making bread instead. That’s okay. Making bread is a good activity to indulge in. Making bread is all about transformation: From flour, yeast, sugar, milk into delicious yumminess. Can’t go wrong there. I thought about that as I kneaded the dough.
Transformation is also about mindfulness, about paying attention. As has become my habit with this work schedule, I am now up for a couple of hours before I eat anything and then I want lunch or sometimes even dinner and not breakfast. Before I started the bread making, I realized I was hungry so I heated up some leftover spaghetti. G. was outside working on the yard and I thought I’d just watch a little TV while I ate. But then I stopped. No. No TV. No books. No checking the phone. Just eat. Just me and my little bowl of leftover goodness, that seemed to be better than it was when I first cooked it. So, I sat on the couch and ate. It was good. I enjoyed every bite. It was quite a special meal.
So, I will work on these little transformations of my own life. I will do my best to speak honestly, but not hurtfully. I will listen more than I talk. I will pay attention. I will allow others around me to have their feelings and their own reactions about everything and I will allow them to own them because I don’t have to.
Day by day, habit by habit, meal by meal, transformation will occur.