Another couple of weeks of a lot of thought, a lot of
discussion fights, a lot of messy stuff. The second TV and having E downstairs has helped, at least as far as the tension level goes. I’m trying to talk more and take offense less. I guess I stuffed a lot of stuff over the last however many years, and didn’t even realize I was stuffing it.
So, knowing that the only thing I can change is me, that’s what I’m going to work on this year. For the last week, I’ve been meditating upon getting up. The challenge will be to continue doing this when “getting up” means getting up after everyone else is awake. Fortunately for me, I have my meditation room with a door that closes.
I’m going to de-clutter more and give away more. I will be having a LOT of books available, fiction and non-fiction, including cookbooks. If you’re interested, contact me. Yes, really. I’ll send you books. If the postage is exorbitant, you can pay for it. If not, I’ll just send them to you. Otherwise, they are going to be donated to Books Again in Pueblo, the used bookstore that is connected to our library. So, if you’re in Pueblo, you can find them there. 🙂
In two weeks, I will start the Colorado Master Gardening program. I just ordered my book, to the tune of over $130.00 (including shipping). I am so excited. I also signed up to be a volunteer, which means that I’ll need to do 50 hours of volunteer work between end of course and October…a great reason to get out of the house. I honestly can’t wait. Classes will be all day on Thursdays for 10 weeks.
It looks like E. will be going back to his regular high school around that same time, too. He’s been doing well in the alternative program, but getting back into the drill of regular school (8 hours a day as opposed to 3 hours a day) and school work (REAL pencil to paper work as opposed to multiple choice questions on a computer) will, I’m sure, be a real challenge. Please say prayers for me to be steadfast in my guidance.
Taking G out of the parenting equation has been completely the right choice. This is one thing that we just can’t do together. It’s okay.
I started listening to Abraham again. I kind of gave up on it for a long time, but when I heard the first thing in the car yesterday, I realized that whatever you want to call that approach to life, it works for me. And that is what matters. *I* matter. What *I* think matters. How *I* want to live my life matters. It doesn’t really matter if other people don’t understand it…they don’t have to live that way or make decisions that way or anything else. They just have to understand that I am not living my life in order to make them comfortable…and nothing I’m doing is inherently “bad” or “wrong” it’s just different from what THEY want and therefore, makes THEM uncomfortable. It’s okay. They can be uncomfortable. And they are allowed to live their lives however works for them. We will see where this leads, but where ever it goes, it will be the right path, and that’s what matters.
We re-joined the gym and started going back to Sliver Sneakers classes, which I really enjoy. I want to go on the weekends while I’m working, too. I’ve gotten back on the bike on the trainer in the garage, even though I’m only up to about 20 minutes, but that feels good as well. I’ve been walking around the lake near my house. I really just need some kind of physical exercise every day or I start to wilt. It’s just good medicine. Additionally, I have found that if I do a session on the tennis ball on my lower back, hip flexors and IT band, I don’t have nearly the hip/leg pain that I do when I don’t indulge in that particular agony. It hurts like hell when I do it, but definitely makes things better when I’m standing up, walking, even sitting to work. I’m going to invest in one of those foam roller things shortly, as well.
I also have a couple of ideas about writing projects that have recently popped up in my head, and that makes me really, really grateful. I had gone so long with no ideas whatsoever, that I was beginning to fear that my well had completely run dry.
So, things are looking up for me this year. I’m going to allow them to look up. I realize that most of the time when things don’t go the way I want them to, it’s really me who’s blocking that from happening. I’m going to work as hard as I can to quit complaining about things. Biggest thing: No more complaining about bad drivers when I’m in the car. Yes, that’s HUGE for me, because there are very few things that infuriate me the way bad driving does. But, it’s a process. Maybe I’ll allow myself a bad driving Wednesday or something and save it all up for one day. At least to start. I’m not sure I can go cold turkey. 🙂
In the end, I’m going to hold myself and the other members of my family/household in the light. I am going to have compassion for all of us. I am going to support where I can and not snark where I don’t understand. Will I trip and fall occasionally. Of course. But then, I can have compassion for myself at those times as well.
I wish you all the best in your lives going forward.