I’d been doing a lot of thinking and meditating over the last few days, and having E. out of the house has been a blessing…also getting the TV and the furniture down into the basement, to have a real SPACE to go and do things, etc. I have thought a lot about our relationship and what we have both gone through before we ever met, etc. and I realized that both our MOs is to run away if anything becomes the least “threatening.” We both had abusive husbands and then alcoholic partners, etc. So the first thing we want to do is run away and protect ourselves.
The other day, G went to the chiropractor and wanted to talk about expenses, etc. when she got home. But before we started on the money stuff, I said, “If you can REALLY say that you have no feelings for me or for this relationship we’ve had for 13 years, then okay, I should leave. Because the opposite of love isn’t hate or anger or annoyance…the opposite of love is indifference. So if you’re INDIFFERENT to me and just plain don’t care, then yes, I will go. Otherwise, I don’t think I want to throw all this down the toilet because one or the other of us got pissed off and feel like pouting.” She thanked me for finally saying something concrete and I told her it takes me a while to sort through this kind of stuff, that I don’t like to spout off because I can be totally snarky and sarcastic, and I know she takes all that to heart so I’d rather not say anything much for a few days than just blow up immediately and ruin things.
So, the upshot is that we made some monetary adjustments, and we’re going to try to take Elijah out of our “relationship equation” as much as possible. We’re NOT going to co-parent because that just doesn’t work, and she is going to work on NOT putting her 2 cents’ in when not asked. I feel tentatively hopeful anyway, and clearer than I have for months. It was HARD to get to this place, but once I finally got here, talking wasn’t hard at all, which to me means that it’s the right thing to do. I debated blogging any of this here, but responses from friends to my previous posts have let me know that I have folks out there who care about me and you all deserve to be kept in the loop. I am encouraged for now. Tomorrow I go and pick up E (who knows NOTHING of all of this, since it all started once he was gone), and I hope we can all go forward into 2015 a little steadier and a lot calmer.
Happy New Year!