That song keeps running through my head, “So, this is Christmas…” It’s been a quiet day. I woke up in the wee hours with something close to a panic attack over the cable bill. I already volunteered to work 3 hours today because we have been swamped lately, so I just got up, made some coffee and did that. Then I came upstairs and went back to sleep. Back before “all this” happened, G asked me if I maybe wanted to go see a movie today, since we already knew it would just be us for the day, with E. being in Denver. Of course, seeing a movie is my idea of a perfect way to celebrate any holiday, and of course I said yes. After a couple of hours of extra snoozing, I woke up to hearing G. on the phone with E. and of course then couldn’t go back to sleep. I managed to get to the bathroom before she told me that he “wanted to ask me a question” and my mind immediately went off the rails. I know. I’m bad about that, but I had been texting with him last night and he wasn’t happy about some stuff his dad was saying. I just told him that not all family stuff was going to be pleasant, as he knew from dealing with me and G and to try not to get too caught up in it. I left it with a Merry Christmas and I loved him.
So, I called him back and his question was, would it be okay with me if his dad and girlfriend gave him an X-Box for Christmas. This kid has wanted an X-Box for his entire life. In fact, the night he was shot through the arm, five years old, when we got him back from the hospital, the ONLY thing he wanted to do was play the X-Box. Half sedated, woozy with sleep and shock, and all he could do was cry for an X-Box. We have a Wii here and G was DAMNED if he was going to have an X-Box because he didn’t “deserve” it. That word. I have come to really HATE that word.
But I digress. I told him, yes, it would be fine for him to accept the X-Box, but there would be some conditions on it, i.e., he could not play it to the exclusion of all other life, to the detriment of his grades, and all that good stuff. Yeah, yeah, grandma, I know, I know…and he’s off. I imagine he’s about the happiest kid around now. We got him a phone before he left and now the X-Box. So, maybe this moving out thing won’t be so hard on him after all…as long as I have a place to plug in the X-Box…and a TV.
Then we went to the movies. Saw “Big Eyes.” It was good. I really like Amy Adams, although I think they made the film a little “prettier” than what really happened with her husband(s), but it is Hollywood, after all. Then we came home and had some Christmas dinner…Honey Baked Ham and fixin’s that G. picked up yesterday. At least I didn’t have to cook. I have not really wanted to cook much of anything in months. There’s a tell-tale sign.
And then I came down here and started putting books in boxes. I’m going to donate these and then I’ll reuse the boxes to pack what books I decide to take with me…probably very few. I no longer want many things at all. I’ve been watching House Hunters…Tiny Houses, and thinking…if it was just ME….but it won’t be just me for a while…and I have to find a place to live soon. I hope my potential roommate and I can nail down something soon, otherwise I’m just going to have to tell him I need to move on alone. I know this is probably the worst time of year to have to move out, but he’s just couch surfing and I’m in a slightly different situation, with someone tapping her feet waiting for me to be gone.
I tossed more stuff. Stuff from my mom’s estate. Cards and notes and cute little things that one accumulates over the years. Some photos. The photos, dear God. I do not want to get rid of the photos, but I think I’m going to have to invest in one of those feeder scanners so I can get them organized digitally. Thank heavens I’ve been doing digital for the last 10 years!
So, here I am, typing on this blog, trying to wrap my head around all this, trying to stave off the panic attacks, trying to see this as (mostly) a good thing. I do think it is (mostly). I haven’t broken down yet. I don’t know if I will while I’m still here or if it will catch up with me at an odd time, watching a TV show, taking a walk, reading a book. Sometimes stuff does that. Finds me when I have my guard down. If it does, that’s okay. I’ll try to go with it. In the meantime, I have a lot of stuff to sort and let go of, so I hopefully won’t have much to pack.