Living with other people is not easy for me. It’s just not. There, it’s out in the open. Right now, I’m in the longest live-in relationship I’ve ever had and sometimes little things pop their heads up and it’s nearly impossible to ignore them, much less try to be grateful for them. But then, yesterday, on the way to school to pick up E, I turned on Abraham in the car, and as usual, things fell into perspective. I’m going to try to hold on to this.
Abraham calls disagreements, arguments, political unrest or upheaval, family strife, work chaos, anything of that nature, “contrast.” By that, they mean the contrast between what you want and what is. What IS, is what we tend to focus on and the contrast between that and what we want is often appears so vast that we can’t even begin to comprehend how to get from here to there. A lot of times, we just give up because the distance seems so huge. But, after listening to the particular segment yesterday, I realized I need to bless all the contrast. The contrast is what gets me clear, and clarity, dear Ones, is what will set you free. Truth is good, too, but clarity about the truth is the real kicker. I’ll give you an example.
I knew I needed to leave Dean (late 2nd husband) about four years before I actually did it. I rationalized. I explained. I justified. Blah, blah, blah. And I stayed and not much changed. Then, after about three and a half years, clarity began to creep in. First I realized that I needed a place to stay if I were to leave. Then I settled on exactly (and I mean to the penny) how much I could afford in rent. Then I realized that I would be going alone because I wasn’t the least bit interested in having my daughter and baby E with me (they were still living with Dean and me at the time). As these issues became very clear in my mind (and thereby settled), I began to feel bolder about getting what I wanted, i.e., freedom from a dying marriage. Everything just started to feel better. I quit talking about why I had to stay or how staying wasn’t so bad because all Dean did was drink himself in to a stupor and he didn’t hit me (like my first husband). I started thinking about what I wanted in a place, how I would tell him, who I could get to help me, etc. All these things became crystal clear in my head.
Then, one day, my daughter came home and just announced that she and the baby were going to move in with her new/old boyfriend (later to be GS2’s father). I was like, okay, great. Oh, and by the way, just so we’re clear, you and I will never, and that’s NEVER, live together again. Not said in a bad way, but just letting her know where things stood. A few days later, she was gone.
I was online on a weekend, and suddenly, I had this almost overwhelming urge to look at apartments for rent in town. I got to the Pueblo paper’s website and there were three places available. I called them all. One person called me back, and yes, it was exactly at my price range. It was Sunday, so I agreed to meet him after work the next day. As soon as I walked up the narrow stairway to the apartment that comprised the top floor of an old house, I knew I had to live there. I filled out the credit check, and he said he’d call me the next day, which he did and I met him to pay the deposit and first month’s rent in cash. A friend went with me and later that day helped me get my computer and vital info out of the house and into my new place. A few days later, I had the phone turned on and utilities put in my name. I was moved and done sooner than I realized was possible. It was probably the easiest process I had ever gone through. Right before it happened, I told Dean I was leaving and I also made it clear to him that I wasn’t holding him in any judgment, I just had to take care of myself and I couldn’t do it staying in the house with him. He acknowledged I was right, even though he was so drunk he was barely able to stand up. The utter relief I felt standing in my new living room surrounded by boxes, with hardly even a chair to sit on, was amazing.
And I only got to that point through “contrast” and struggle.
So, I’m not going to try to get out of the struggle anymore. I’m going to pay more attention to it. I’m going to look at it to see where it points me when I want to diminish it. I can’t say what the end will be. I honestly can’t say right now if I will still be here or if I will be somewhere else. But I’m going to quit feeling bad about the fact that struggle seems inevitable. We’re three very different people trying to coexist under one roof. Disagreements, power struggles, personality conflicts are inevitable. Bring them on. Apparently, I need to get clear and I can’t do it without a little contrast.